


quiet unchanging affection (and the love, the love, the love)

by mariatyler



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Romance, Sharing a Bed, post- The Christmas Invasion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-28 00:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariatyler/pseuds/mariatyler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after The Christmas Invasion. Rose has some questions, and they both have some confessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	quiet unchanging affection (and the love, the love, the love)

“Can I ask you something?”

The Doctor looked up at Rose from his position on the sofa in Jackie Tyler’s living room. He’d been watching a repeat of a Christmas special of _Vicar of Dibley_ whilst Rose and Jackie cleared up the kitchen after their surprisingly rather excellent dinner. Mickey had left to see some friends a short while ago.

“Course you can,” he replied, and patted the seat next to him. “You’ve probably got lots of questions about the regeneration process - ”

“Yeah,” she interrupted softly as she sat down beside him, folding her legs underneath her. “Like why you didn’t tell me about it before, for instance.”

He shrugged. “Didn’t think you’d need to know.” Something flickered in Rose’s eyes and he hurried to amend his statement. “What I mean is, I didn’t think you’d ever have to experience me changing.”

“What, ‘cos you thought I wasn’t gonna stick around long enough?” she asked, fiddling with the hem of her top.

“Rose, if I’m careful I can keep the same body for centuries.”

“How long had you been, um, like you were before?”

“I had regenerated shortly before I met you, because of what I did in the Time War,” he said quietly.

“So you only had like a year in that body, rather than centuries.”

“Yes.”

“And that’s because you - ” she paused, swallowing hard. “You saved me, didn’t you? You died to save me.”

His brow furrowed. “You remember?”

“Yeah, sort of – it’s all kind of blurry, but I remember coming back and there being this light – I dunno, something like that. And you somehow took away the light, and I’m here and you’re – different.”

“But I’m alive. You saved my life, Rose. Please don’t feel guilty for me changing. I’m the same man - ”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said, starting to smile.

“Good. Glad that’s sorted,” he smiled back.

“I mean it’s gonna take some getting used to…you are different, even though you’re the same, and, well, it’s still a bit odd, but I s’pose it’ll seem normal after a couple of weeks, especially with all the other random stuff I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see flying ‘round space.”

He chuckled, then shuffled a little closer to her on the sofa. “Rose…”

“Yeah?”

“Can I…?” he asked softly, as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She nodded and he tucked her into his side, squeezing her gently. Dropping a light kiss to her hair, he murmured, “I think we’d better stay here for a few days, maybe even a week or so, if that’s okay.”

Rose snorted in amusement. “God, you really are different. You, voluntarily staying with Mum? Never thought I’d see the day!”

“No, it’s just the regeneration thing has taken it out of me a bit. I’ll need to rest a bit more than usual, and I thought, well, we might as well stay here ‘til New Year’s Eve, or something. I’ll still sleep on the TARDIS, of course, but it might be nice for you to spend some time with your Mum.”

“Yeah, but I reckon I’d rather sleep on the TARDIS too, just so that I know you aren’t gonna do a moonlit flit as soon as I’m not looking,” she mumbled.

He stroked her shoulder softly with the side of his thumb. “I wouldn’t do that, Rose. I’m not going to leave you. I want – I’m so happy that you’ve decided to come travelling again with me. It’s really – it means a lot.”

“Means a lot that you want me, still, too,” she replied, and he could feel her lips stretch into a smile against his chest as she turned her head slightly.

“Of course I still want you,” he whispered, trying not to let too much emotion seep into the sentence. “Like I said, same man. It’s not like I’ve gone off you just ‘cos my face has changed.”

She giggled, and he closed his eyes at the sound, savouring it. Soon they had settled into a peaceful lull in the conversation, watching the telly together. Jackie had been getting ready for bed, so she said goodnight to them and left them to cuddle. He resumed his stroking motion of his thumb against the skin of Rose’s upper arm, delighted when she curled into him even more by flinging her arm around his waist. They’d sat like this before – before he changed – and he knew that this was likely just a gesture of platonic affection from her perspective, just as he’d known it was before. But he couldn’t help but let a bubble of happiness spread inside his chest as he considered how they must look, entwined like this.

He was very aware that his feelings, feelings which he refused to examine too closely but nevertheless reluctantly acknowledged were very much present, had not been altered by his regeneration. If anything, the fact that she’d come back to him and saved his life and the universe, the fact that she’d created the Bad Wolf to leave herself a message throughout time – well, it all merged together with the rest of his previous feelings to create one big jumble of overwhelming affection and adoration for the woman nuzzling his chest, and though he knew she couldn’t see him the same way, he’d be content to love her quietly and privately for the rest of his life. He really would. The relief he’d felt when she’d indicated that she still wanted to travel with him, blimey. Thank the universe for Rose Tyler’s adaptability.

“Doctor,” she murmured, after a while of silence.

“Mmm?” he replied. He was tired – his eyes had been shut for ages and he was almost dozing off when she spoke, dozing off into what would likely be dreams of her, what with the subject matter of his thoughts for the last ten minutes.

“What happened to that girl – Lynda, wasn’t it?”

His eyes flickered open. “Oh. Um, she died, Rose.”

She sighed sadly. “I thought that might’ve happened, but I was hoping that maybe Jack had got her out with him. I’m so sorry, Doctor.”

“She should’ve gone with the rest of the people who were evacuated, but she wanted to help. She was very brave, but it was almost inevitable that the Daleks got to her.”

Rose shivered. “Yeah.”

“It’s okay to still be scared of the Daleks, you know, even though they’re gone. Rassilon knows I am,” he murmured.

“I just…I wish I could’ve saved her – all the others that stayed on there to fight, too, course, I would’ve wanted to save everyone if I could, but – well, you wanted her to come travelling with us, didn’t you? If maybe I’d worked out how to get back sooner…”

The Doctor tightened his grip on her. “Rose, you mustn’t blame yourself for anything that happened, all right? You were amazing.”

“You sent me away. Why did you do that?”

“Because I wanted you safe. I couldn’t - ” He paused, and swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I didn’t want you to die. I didn’t want to be the cause of your death. I didn’t want to break my promise to Jackie.”

“But I wanted to stay.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I know I make decisions without consulting people and I know, I do know, that that’s wrong, but I just…I think I know best sometimes, don’t I? And really, if I hadn’t sent you away then you wouldn’t have come back with the means to save me, so we’d both be dead, so actually it turns out that maybe I was right after all.” Rose growled softly in annoyance and he chuckled. “Sorry.”

“You let Lynda stay and fight with you, though, and Jack, and all those other people,” she pointed out.

“Yeah.”

“That all you’re going to say about that?”

“Well, yes. Because it’s ridiculous to even compare – look, Rose, the thought of you being killed by a Dalek – being killed by anything – scares me to my bones.”

“Same goes for me about you, Doctor.” Rose reached a hand up and placed it over his left heart. It was hammering wildly, and he hoped that she assumed that was a normal heart rate for his species.

They were quiet again for a few moments. Then Rose said, “I was a bit jealous. I know it sounds stupid, but I was. And now I feel guilty about it and I…argh, I don’t know. I just wanted to admit that. Don’t know why…sorry, just ignore me.”

“Rose, what are you talking about?” he asked, his voice laced with amusement.

“I was jealous,” she repeated in a small voice.

“Of what?”

“Of who,” she corrected. “Lynda.”

“Lynda?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“It’s gonna sound daft.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Not anymore you’re not,” she joked.

“Oi!”

“Sorry.”

“Go on, then. Tell me.”

“I just…you thought she was sweet,” she mumbled quickly.

“Well, she was sweet.”

“Yeah.” Rose paused. “You were quite…”

“Quite what?”

“You flirted with her.”

“A little bit, I s’pose.”

“Yeah.”

Something curious was going on, and the Doctor was confused. “Is that – is that a problem?”

“No, course not,” she hurried to reply. “You can flirt with whoever you want.”

“I never mean anything by it.”

“I kind of gathered that was the case with – well, with me.”

“What?”

Rose shrugged a shoulder. “Well, you could be quite flirty with me sometimes too, but I know it didn’t mean anything.”

The Doctor inhaled a quick breath through his nose. “Right.”

She went silent, and the Doctor panicked inwardly, unsure of what was going on and what his response should have been. She couldn’t – she didn’t - ?

“Rose, when you say you were jealous, what do you mean? Jealous in what way?”

“The same way you were jealous about Jack, obviously,” she replied, and his breath hitched in surprise, in delight, but then she continued, “Like, jealous that I wasn’t your only female friend, that sort of thing I suppose. It’s silly. Just like it was silly of you to get jealous of Jack being my friend.”

His hearts sped up even faster. “No but Rose, there was a difference, because I thought – I didn’t realise – I thought that Jack might’ve been more than that, to you.”

“More than a friend?” Rose asked, sounding shocked.

“Well, yes.”

“What, you mean…” she trailed off and the Doctor winced.

“Well, I knew that you hadn’t – I asked Jack – but I did think that maybe you might. He was clearly interested in you and you were clearly interested in him back, so.” He shut his mouth with an audible click, clenching his jaw.

To his consternation, Rose laughed. “Oh god, Doctor. No way.”

“What?” he huffed.

“No way would I have slept with him. He’s really handsome and everything, but I wouldn’t – he was interested in everyone, remember, and – hold on, did you just say you asked Jack if we’d slept together?” She pulled back to stare up at him with wide eyes.

“Um…”

“Why did you ask him and not me?”

He rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand. “Well, I was embarrassed.”

Her eyes narrowed at him. “Thought you weren’t embarrassed about things like sex and sexuality.”

“I’m not!”

“You always tell me not to judge people and there you were judging me ‘cos you thought - ”

“No, Rose, never! I wasn’t judging you, not at all. I would never judge you for wanting to have – to have - ”

“To have sex with someone,” she finished for him, rolling her eyes.

He cleared his throat. “Exactly.”

“Then what’s all this about Jack, then?”

“Well, I wanted to know.” He could feel his face heating up and bugger it, he could tell that he was on the edge of telling her everything, every damn secret jealous heated emotion that seeped into his veins whenever she fancied someone else.

“Why?”

“Because I did,” he insisted.

She pulled back fully, now – their arms had long since unwound themselves from each other – and she scooted back so that she wasn’t so pressed up against him. He blinked in astonishment at her eagerness to get away from him, then considered that maybe she’d realised, finally, and was repulsed by him.

“Doctor, can you just answer my question properly?”

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just…I wanted to make sure he wasn’t taking advantage of you.”

“I can look after myself,” she snorted.

“Yes, I know, but I wanted to check.”

“Okay, and what else?”

“What do you mean, what else?” he asked quickly, harshly, his panic making it difficult to control his tone of voice.

Rose took in a deep breath. “Look, I realised something when you sent me away. I couldn’t bear it, couldn’t bear the thought of you dying all alone out there, way into the future but happening at that very moment and I – I realised that I’d been trying to push aside what I really wanted because I thought you didn’t – couldn’t – but then,” She paused, her chest heaving nervously, “But then you kissed me, Doctor, and I thought - ”

“You remember that bit?” he interrupted, completely blindsided.

She bit her lip and nodded. “Did you have to take away the light like that? In that way, I mean?”

“No,” he admitted quietly, tugging on his ear. “It didn’t have to be a kiss. I’m sorry. It was just, in that moment, I thought you – you came back to save me and I thought perhaps you felt something of the way I felt for you, and I just…it was a split second decision and I should’ve checked because you weren’t thinking straight, but - ”

“No – Doctor, it’s okay, I – I wanted to know, that’s all, I didn’t mind, I don’t mind, it’s - ”

“Are you sure, because it really was a bit - ”

“It’s fine,” she insisted. “Seriously, really, it’s fine.”

They stared at each other for a few moments, not saying anything. And then the Doctor recalled something Rose had said earlier, and so he murmured, “Wait, what did you realise?”

“What?”

“You said you realised something when I sent you away.”

“Yeah,” she breathed out shakily, her eyes skating away from his. He wondered why she couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Rose?”

“I don’t know, I can’t - ”

“Rose, please.”

“Doctor, it’s not…”

“Just tell me. Please.”

She slowly looked back at him and seemed to steel herself. “I realised that I loved you.”

His mouth fell open and he just stared at her for the longest time.

Rose shifted restlessly at his reaction, mumbled, “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” then started to stand up.

The Doctor’s hand shot upwards and grabbed her hand, stilling her movement.

“Doctor?” she asked uncertainly.

“Really?” he whispered.

Her breath caught in her throat. “Well, yeah.” She sat back down. “And then I came back and saved you and you kissed me but then you changed, and…”

He swallowed hard. “And you don’t feel the same way anymore,” he surmised.

“No, Doctor, it’s not that. It’s just thrown me for a loop, yeah? I was just getting used to admitting it to myself and then you changed and now I’m panicking, because what if you don’t want to hear this, or what if I miss you too much even though you’re still right here, or what if I’ve fallen for you again today and does that make me a bad person for mourning the old you but finding the new you so damn sexy anyway, and will you still want me to travel with you now that you know all this and oh god, I feel like I’ve made such a mess,” she said in a rush, ending with a bit of a laugh, as though she didn’t know what had come over her.

“You haven’t,” he said. “You haven’t made a mess.”

“But…”

“Rose, I had no idea you felt that way,” he said quickly. “I promise you, I had no idea. I thought you just saw me as a friend. I had no idea you could love someone like me, I…”

“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to apologise or anything for not feeling the same, I don’t care about that, I really don’t, I just want us to still be okay, yeah? I don’t want to let this get in the way of me getting to know the new you and us carrying on travelling.”

“But…”

“It’s all right, Doctor,” she said insistently. “I’m a big girl, I can deal with it, yeah?”

She smiled at him, that brave, beautiful smile of hers, and it broke through his resolve.

“Yeah,” he said. “But also, could you maybe deal with something scarier?”

“What’s scarier than unrequited feelings,” she snorted in amusement.

“Well.” He paused, the corner of his mouth lifting up into a shy smile. “Requited ones, maybe?”

Rose laughed, but then she met his gaze and realised he was serious. “Oh my god.” She flushed a brilliant red and he blinked at her in surprise.

He rubbed at his neck awkwardly. “Yes, well, there’s really no need to get all flustered about it, I wasn’t exactly subtle before, especially earlier when you asked me why I kissed you. So it can’t be too much of a shock.”

“Except that it is,” she countered. “Doctor – seriously? But, like…why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you…feel like that, about me?”

He chuckled and squeezed the hand he was still holding. “Rose, what kind of a ridiculous question is that?”

“I…” her mouth opened and closed. They continued looking at one another in silence for approximately thirteen seconds until they both broke into giggles. “Oh my god,” she gasped through a laugh.

“Yep,” he agreed, popping the ‘p.’

When their giggles had subsided, Rose smiled and twiddled her earring as she asked hesitantly, “So, er, now that we’ve said all that, well, what happens now?”

“We carry on,” he shrugged, but there was a twinkle in his eye and he knew it.

“Oh – what, just – same as before?”

“If you want.”

“What if I want that for now, but want something else a bit later?” she asked hopefully.

“Rose, that would be lovely,” he assured her.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’ve got to have a good think, though,” he said. “Over the next few months, yeah? Because I’m the same man, I promise you, and I still feel the same things, have the same thoughts and memories, but I’m different, too, and you’ve got to be sure that you’re ready and that you do really want things to change later on.”

Rose nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

“Okay. Good.” He paused, then squeezed her hand again before telling her softly, “Best Christmas present ever, Rose.”

A beam spread across her face and he couldn’t resist leaning forwards to press a kiss to her cheek. When he leant back, he let out a large yawn.

“I think it’s your bedtime,” Rose teased.

“I think it’s both our bedtimes,” he corrected. “Long day.”

“Yep.Saving the world can really take it out of ya.”

“I’m very proud of you, you know.”

“I know. Thank you,” she replied.

“Okay. I’ll head back to the TARDIS - ”

“You can stay here tonight,” she interrupted swiftly. She saw him hesitate. “Come on, stay. Not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before. Remember that time when we went to - ”

“Vividly,” he assured her. “But that was before all these revelations.”

She pulled him up with her and led him to her room. “Not like I’m gonna jump you in the middle of the night, Doctor. I’m knackered. I’ll probably sleep through the whole of tomorrow!”

He chuckled and soon found himself in Rose’s bedroom, watching her pull back the duvet and slip inside. “Aren’t you going to get changed?”

Rose grinned, wriggled around for a few moments beneath the covers, then tossed out her jeans and t-shirt. He gulped. She then grabbed her pjs from their place underneath her pillow and again wriggled around until she was done. “Better?”

“Almost,” he said teasingly. “It was almost better.”

She threw the pillow at him and he laughed. “Get in, then.”

“Close your eyes,” he said.

“No need, seen it all already anyway.”

“What!”

“Changed you into Howard’s jimjams, didn’t I?”

“Oh. Right.” His cheeks went pink, but he nevertheless started to undo his shirt. Next went his tie and trousers. His jacket was already off, lying on the edge of the sofa where he’d put it after dinner.

He got into bed beside Rose feeling terribly exposed in just his pants, but when she snuggled into his side and rested her hand on his bare chest, he found himself quite reconciled to the idea of being half-naked and in bed with Rose Tyler.

As he drifted off to sleep, he couldn’t wait for their new adventures to start. He was sure it would be quite the best time of his life.


End file.
